They're on to us!

Time for panic, people! The Pepsi connection has been exposed!

We knew this was coming. Just stick to the training:

1. Destroy all Pepsi-related documents immediately (but only with a ZOA-approved shredder to ensure maximum security). If you use a non-ZOA shredder and end up in a gulag, please do not write me a complaint letter. I won't want to hear about it.

2. You can PROBABLY still safely be seen drinking Mountain Dew or Gatorade, but personally, I wouldn't risk it.

3. If anybody with even arguably non-Zionist tendencies approaches you, do not be afraid to use our secret weapon. Your survival might depend on it.

4. If disaster strikes, and you are cornered, use your dying words to congratulate our enemies on their effective use of irony.

5. Nah, strike that one. If you're cornered by a bunch of Hamas radicals, ask them why they're stealing Iran's material from two years ago. Hamas used to be cool, but now Iran is fresh and with it when it comes to the forefront of Jihad. All Hamas can do is plagiarize them. While this sad reality sinks in, make your escape and help continue our quest for world domination!